Rogue's Gallery - AllieCat523 - Hermitcraft SMP [Archive of Our Own] (2024)

The interrogation official from the Admin Council came into the room and sat down across from him. "Hello there, Mister... Void, was it?"

Xisuma smiled easily. "It's not a last name. Call me Xisuma. Or just X."

The official gave him a strange look. "Alright then, 'X.' Are you aware of why you've been taken into custody?"

"Haven't the slightest, I'm afraid."

"There have been some concerns raised amongst other members of the council about the server you run. In particular, some members have voiced that the community you've chosen to cultivate has some... less than savory history."

"We're aware of Scar's upbringing, and we've chosen not to discriminate-"

"I was not referring to the Vex hybrid," the official said. "I am referring to the number of alleged and convicted criminal actors within your ranks."

Xisuma leaned back and crossed his legs, projecting disinterest. "Don't know what you mean," he said.

"Well, let's just run down the list, shall we?" The official thumbed through the report he had brought with him and turned to the first page. "Four of your members - BDouble0100, Docm77, Ethoslab, and VintageBeef - are former members of the Mindcrack server."

"And what's the problem with that?"

"The Mindcrack server has a history of extreme actions that don't fit into normal society. With just the 'pranks' attributed to your four players, there are credible reports of blackmail, unauthorized alterations to bases, transportation of bases across large distances, intentional inflection of extreme latency, inhumane treatment of AFK players, entity spamming, obscene and unsightly buildings, the creation of so-called 'death games,' trapping nether portals with minimal provocation..."

"Mindcrack was a server between friends," Xisuma interrupted. "The pranks are an acceptable risk. Each member of the server granted tacit consent via participation."

"In the eyes of the law, there is a certain level of prank considered acceptable via these sorts of understandings, and many of the ones perpetrated by Mindcrackers crossed this line. In particular, any attacks on the server directly, such as lag machines, are considered illegal."

"That sounds more like a failing of the law. None of the Mindcrackers have any objections. But assuming there's some legitimacy to that - Mindcrack was years ago. Perhaps my players have changed their ways."

"Is that so? There are also reports that, more recently, Docm77 aided notorious mob traffickers LogicalGeekBoy and the SkyZooKeeper."

"You keep referencing 'reports'," Xisuma said, uncrossing his arms to mime the quotes before returning to having them folded behind his head. "But that isn't evidence, is it?"

"Circ*mstantial evidence can still be very compelling, Mr. Void."

"Call me Xisuma or X. I insist. And if it's so compelling, you're perfectly free to pursue an official case against Doc."

"We may do just that. Let's move on to some of your other members, shall we?" He flipped to another page. "Your player FalseSymmetry, in addition to being a provably competent killer in the Minecraft Championships, has a shockingly bloodthirsty history on the Empires SMP. Care to comment?"

"That's not False. You're confusing her with her twin sister."

The interrogater narrowed his eyes. "Do you really expect me to believe that, Mr. X?"

"Just X. 'Mister' makes me feel old. And I don't care if you believe it or not, but it's the Void's honest truth."

"Fine. We'll leave False for now and move on to another Empires member amongst your ranks." Another page in that unbelievably thick report. "GeminiTay is accused of hiding a dragon egg, and perfecting magic strong enough to allow her to overcome Xornoth, an archdemon. There's also her enthusiasm for killing... what is it that they call her? GeminiSlay?"

"That's right," Xisuma confirmed. "And I fail to see the problem. Gem is a sweetheart. She'd never attack anyone who didn't deserve it unless she was certain they'd respawn. And there's no crime in being powerful."

"The Council still finds it concerning that someone with such a murderous reputation has magic stronger than the majority of players."

"They can find anything they want concerning. If it's not a crime, I don't know why you're bringing it up."

"Hmm. You seem very... nonchalant about the number of killers among your ranks."

"Are you getting to a point any time soon?"

"We've only covered a small portion of your playerbase, Mr. X. There's GoodTimesWithScar."

Xisuma's expression hardened. "I thought you said this wasn't about him."

"The Council has decided to overlook his Vex origins. There is, however, the fact of an outstanding warrant for the arrest of known vigilante Hot Guy."

"I fail to see the connection."

The interrogator withdrew two photos from the folder he had brought with him. "This here," he said tapping the first photo, "is a promotional photo Hot Guy gave out to citizens he supposedly saved. And this," he said, tapping the other, "is from a commemorative calendar sold by GoodTimesWithScar in his amusem*nt park 'Scarland' - which is, for the record, under investigation for tax fraud."

Xisuma glanced at the photos. "Don't see the resemblance," he said simply, before returning to his leaned-back posture.

"Mister X, they are quite literally the same photo. The only difference is the background that he's greenscreened into."

"Seems flimsy. But if you want to take it to court, be my guest."

"You're rather stubborn, aren't you? Let's move on to the most notorious member of your little troupe. Grian."

"Grian? Sure, he's a prankster, but what could he have done to get the Council's attention?"

"You mean aside from being one of the founders of the Wynncraft server, known for its harboring of dangerous criminal elements?"

"Wynncraft is a public server. Any public server is bound to attract a few unsavory types. It can't be helped."

"Mmm. We've also received information that Grian used to go by the name Xelqua."

Xisuma kept his tone carefully level. "And?"

"Curiously, Xelqua is also the name of one of the Watchers from classical religion. Xelqua, the Runaway, is known for his mischevious and fickle nature - and, according to the prominent Listener followers InTheLittleWood and SolidarityGaming, Xelqua was more recently responsible for trapping over a dozen prominent players into, quote, 'a series of bloody games that forced close friends to kill each other for the amusem*nt of the Watchers.'"

"...and is there a point to that little theology lesson?"

"I should think my implication is rather clear, Mister X."

"For the hundredth time, It's just X. And the implication I think you're making is so absurd that I feel the need to confirm it. Are you seriously accusing one of my players of being an omnipresent trickster god based on a coincidence of names?"

"Yes," said the official without a hint of humor.

"Hm," said Xisuma, smiling. "Seems difficult to prove. What else you got?"

"One of your oldest members, Hypnotizd, has a rather robust history of playing on modded servers in tandem with his work with you."

"Mods aren't illegal."

"No, but over the course of these servers, Hypnotizd has - by our count - delved into forbidden, tainted, or sinister magic on seven seperate occasions. Possibly more that we missed. On several of these occasions, he was joined by other members of your band, such as one xBCrafted and, in the instance of Vault Hunters, over a dozen of your members participated, including yourself."

"Not 'over a dozen.' It was a dozen exactly."

"There were fourteen of you on the whitelist, by our count."

"Ren and BDubs never logged on."

"Fascinating. I'm sure that makes it better that the twelve of you were participating in such borderline illegal activity on a modpack whose design had been spearheaded by yet another of your members, Iskall85."

"Iskall was just having a bit of fun with Vault Hunters, nothing more. And as for Hypno, I trust him. No matter how many 'dark magics' he may learn, he still has a heart of gold."

"So you say. Let's move onto iJevin, then. He has a conviction history for Pixelmon trafficking."

"For which he's served his sentence and been let free. Isn't the justice system based on rehabilitation?"

"I admire your optimism, Mister X, but I can't help but feel there may be better environments for his re-introduction than amongst such... unsavory characters."

"Frankly, officer, I don't have much interest in your idea of what would be good for Jevin's rehabilitation. The fact is that our server surrounds him with friends and healthy ways to express his creativity."

"Mmmm. Friends like JoeHills?"

Xisuma snorted. "Joe? What could you have possibly found to complain about Joe? The man's nothing but a sweetheart."

The official turned a page and began to read. "Conviction history: three counts of tax fraud, two of insider trading, nine counts of breach of contract, and six counts of corporate espionage."

He sat up. "Wait, really?"

The interrogater flipped the report around, allowing Xisuma to read Joe's rap sheet for himself.

"Huh," said Xisuma. "That one's a surprise to me. Never struck me as the type."

"Have you not been performing full background checks on your players, Mister X?"

"Hey, give me a break. Joe was our first invitee. We didn't have much infrastructure in place back then."

"Do you plan on reevaluating your decision to include him in your roster?"

"No," said Xisuma. "He's practically an institution at this point."

"I see," the official said, distate painted on his face. "Let's move on to another one of your 'institutions', shall we? Would you care to comment on Mumbo Killsalot Jumbo?"

"It's an unfortunate middle name and nothing more. The real man's just, like... a big hug with a slick suit and a damn nice mustache."

"And what of his habit of constructing massive, walking war machines and self-proclaimed 'supervillain lairs' on private worlds?"

Xisuma shrugged. "A guy's gotta have hobbies."

"I see." He turned another page. How many pages could that report have? "Moving on to the next of your little gang of ex-cons, PearlescentMoon."

Xisuma clicked his tongue and shook his head. "You're reaching."

"I most certainly am not. Are you aware that Pearl was another ex-member of the Empires SMP?"

"Of course. She remembered her former empire sometime after we partnered with them."

"Mmm. And did she mention the part of those memories where she attempted to befriend the archdemon Xornoth? Or where she was one of the emperors to orchestrate the Mythland Arena Massacre?"

"No. We tried not to pry."

"And that doesn't concern you at all?"

"Of course not!" Xisuma grinned. "Pearl's a sweetheart, of course she tried befriending everyone she met."

"That's... certainly one way of describing it."

"I try to see the best in people."

"Yes, I've noticed that." The official gave him a thin smile. "Moving on. Your friends RenTheDog and Docm77 have remained in contact with their family members RenBob and Goatman, known space pirates operating the unregistered ship The Hermitheus. Curious name for a ship, isn't it?"

"I wouldn't know," Xisuma said carefully. "Never heard of it before."

"I find it interesting that - according to radar scans - the Hermitheus contains a powerful server bank. Incidentally, where are the servers upon which your community operates located?"

"I am under no obligation to reveal that information," Xisuma said. "If you have a warrant, then we can talk."

"It won't be hard to get one. But let's keep moving, shall we? You have quite a few friends to get through." Flip. "TangoTek."

"What about him?"

"Singlehandedly responsible for crashing the iron ingot market years ago, causing massive economic recession."

"Debatable. Also, not a crime."

"Responsible for opening the portal to the Warden's home dimension for the purposes of... creating a game?"

"It was a very fun game."

"I have a note here that just says 'villager blender?'"

Xisuma chuckled. "Forgot about that one. You had to be there."

"...right." Flip. There were only a few more pages left, by Xisuma's count. "ZedaphPlays. Has a reputation for publishing dangerous, unstable, and untested inventions without running them by the review board. Once declared himself 'a mad scientist' out of nowhere, and went on a spree of challenging other public figures to partake in various 'experiments', of dubious scientific value."

"He's eccentric. It's why we love him."

"You seem to collect 'eccentrics,' Mister X."

"I collect Hermits. The overlap is... not unsubstantial."

"Right." Flip. "ZombieCleo."

"Cleo? She's a bit prickly, sure, but it's just how she treats their friends. Get to know them and she's sweeter than anything, and loyal as a golden retriever."

"She's a serial arsonist."

Xisuma gave an exasperated huff. "Well, nobody's perfect."

"Those are all of your old guard, Xisuma, but you've been recruiting recently, no?"

"Well, we do a lot of recruiting."

"You picked up two new members for your latest reboot." He flipped the page. "Skizzleman, along with your long-time member ImpulseSV, have been arrested numerous times for public indecency."

"And, may I remind you, the charges were let go every single time. It was for artistic purposes."

"So they claimed. Skizzleman is, however, by far the less concerning of your two newcomers." The interrogater flipped to the second-to-last page. "SmallishBeans has a history of antisocial behavior on the Empires SMP server, from blowing up a foreign diplomatic embassy to openly declaring himself as a god and demanding others treat him with the respect owed."

"We believe in second chances here on Hermitcraft."

"You seem to believe in third, fourth, fifth, sixth, and such chances just as much."

Xisuma half-shrugged. "Yes, well, I'm a forgiving man."

"That's one word for it," the official said. "Speaking of yourself, how about we explore your history? You seem to have a history of breaking things."

"I'm a scientist."

"Chunk loading, update suppression, three server crashes that we know of. Your 'science' seems somewhat dangerous."

"Science is often on the brink."

"The brink of disaster, it seems." The official closed the folder holding the report and tented his fingers. "What exactly are you and this gang of miscreants up to, Mr. X?"

"We aren't up to anything."

"From where I sit, it seems you're assembling an army of dangerous or criminal players. What I can't figure out is why."

"Seems like a fun thing for you to wonder about." Xisuma stood. "I'll be going now, if you wouldn't mind unlocking the door?"

"And what reason would I possibly have for doing that?"

"Seems to me that you just listed several very good reasons." Xisuma smiled. "I have a number of powerful friends - and they know where I am, and when I expect to be back. If I'm not back at my base within the next..." he glanced at his watch. "...twenty minutes, that 'gang of miscreants,' will come looking for me. And I don't think they'll be particularly friendly about it. So as I said: I think I'll be going. Unlock the door."